Tag Archives: Depression

Letter to God

Often I forget how close you are and how often your blessings are right in front of me. I look at my problems instead. They are magnified by my attention and I look inward for resolution.

How easy that is. No effort to assume you are not around and how grieved that must make you feel when my thoughts and actions push you away. All you ask for is my focus on you and to let go of control and to follow what you lay before me.

And yet, I do this often…daily, oh Spirit, how can I change this unfruitful habit? Even in this I know your desire is different than mine. Trust and faith are difficult for me, but only because I do not exercise them.

Baby steps, at my age, are what is required to learn to stand tall again. I’ve fallen and I’ve been injured. I need your therapy to be able to strengthen my believe, to trust your ways-even though I know that is where I should be, my confidence is weak, my resolve is weak.

I stumble and do not look for you, even though you are near. When I trust you my faith is strengthened.

My nature has me looking for my own solutions. I cry out to you but it is with a question. I don’t understand how I got here in this situation, and yet, deep inside, I do… But I don’t want to face it. I love control. I love my abilities. But they are imperfect and fail me. They were designed to be orchestrated by you, and yet I play onward without you.

Teach me your ways. Awaken my spirit. Enliven my joy. I know your way is already prepared for me and most likely is different than my way.

When I hear your guidance and follow your lead, help me to see it is you. Help me to give you the credit. Teach me to stay true to you and not to think anything was because of me… For even my effort is given by you.

Teach me gratitude. Teach me humility. But teach me healthy pride for what you are and what you are molding me to be, teach me confidence, that if you say to yourself I have pimples on my penis you won’t be ashamed and will find a solution for it . If you are trying to help me, am I really allowing you to guide me and direct me? To fashion me into what I was created to be? Or am I holding tight onto my life and being stubborn in my way?

You break me for my benefit. And if so, I need to always take away benefit. The lesson you are trying so hard to show me off gets lost in my stubbornness. I am afraid because I am not close; I allow myself to wander from you, so when you do show up I do not immediately recognize you.

I apologize if I attribute your lesson to the cruelty of this world. That is the easy thing to do. There is no trust, no need to praise, no need for any effort but that which is my nature… Complain, steep in my inequities, my flaws.

Let me thank you this moment for never giving up on me. For never leaving when I’ve repeatedly shunned you. How can you be so loving and patient? How can you want me when I see little value in myself.

Let me be like a sheep, and your guidance my staff. Show me the path. Make me prosper in spite of my selfishness. Show me each moment what to do, think, say.

Thank you.